Studio Notes - Chaos On Canvas

This week in the studio up feels like down and left feels like right.

Nothing seems to make sense as I struggle to finish up the busiest time of year in my corporate job while also wondering when it all might end.

I’m grappling with the existential nature of this matrix while also staying highly fixated on my own goals. Like jiujitsu world championships coming up in December. Or my first professional match I booked for November.

These tabs are running in the background and every day feels the exact same and completely different. I find myself painting some of my favorite pieces during this chaotic time. It’s pouring out of me.

The passion.

The dreams.

The grind.

It’s manifesting as large brushstrokes, quirky shapes of black, and chalk pastels drawing flowers on my canvases. I’m proud of what I’m making and proud to be so in tune with what I’m feeling. I created my favorite piece I’ve ever made.

How self-aware I must be for me to notice that my first thought shortly after was:

“I created my favorite piece I’ve ever made and now I’m scared I won’t ever do it again (even though I know that’s not true)”

It’s my old wiring and new wiring coming to a head. This messy in between. Integration. When the system is getting a complete makeover, but the old scaffolding screams:

“We’re doing fine, no need to change!!!”

We change anyway.

I’m shedding.

Shedding skins, identities, and masks that just don’t fit the plot anymore. And what a brave thing that is to do. To step into the unknown. The same way a blank white canvas stares back at me and instead of giving into paralysis, I just start. I start somewhere and know that if I’m alive, I can always start over again.

This week in the studio, I’m exhausted and invigorated. I’m holding space for 1,000 truths and giving myself hugs.

With dishes in the sink and clean sheets,

Sierra Koch

9-17-26