Studio Notes - Does God Keep Score?
The past few weeks in the studio a decent bit has happened.
I boarded a plane to Wisconsin and celebrated my 26th trip around the sun.
My studio has become cluttered, a bit messy, and I feel at times overwhelmed by how much work I feel like Ineed to do. I know logically it’s one thing at a time. However, feelings don’t subscribe to logic.
Additionally, there’s no scorekeeper on life. Unless God has a score card, punishing me every time I don’t “do enough”. I sincerely doubt that’s how He spends His time though. Doesn’t He have bigger fish to fry?
I have a problem with patience. Its never been my strong suit. This helped me in times where immediate decision needed to be made and hurt me in times like now. Where I’m not quite where I want to be all while knowing exactly where I’m going.
I’ve been stepping into new roles and struggling to find comfort in this messy “in between” phase of my old life and new one. Perhaps discomfort is precisely the point.
In Wisco, I visited a fellow painter. She’s one of my best friends. I found inspiration in every crack and corner while I was visiting. From the chipmunks gnawing on walnuts to her home built in the 1850s - it went by as quick as a dream.
I kept a small notepad glued to my side. Feverishly I wrote down ideas for entire painting collections, poems, memoir pieces, and T-shirts (my friend and I come up with the best merch).
The channel of divine inspiration felt wide open and that was the best birthday gift I received this year.
And here is where the tension lies.
As I come back to “normal” life, which is currently me working 3 jobs and building a small business, I feel frustrated that I don’t own the time to build these collections that only exist in my head (for now).
I fear this blog post is starting to sound more like a “poor me” entry and less like something profound or inspiring. Is anyone reading this for profound inspiration?
If so, go pick up one of Plato’s writings and lower your expectations.
It’s funny that I upgraded to an apartment with a studio when lately I’ve just been painting in my living room. I suppose I carry a fair bit of irony. For someone who is typically the smallest person in the room, I sure do value the space to spread out.
My second art market is this weekend and I’ll be honest I’ve barely unpacked from the first one. Three flights of stairs and Texas in August didn’t encourage me to do so. I thought “well it’ll come back around soon enough”.
And I was right!
Things have been good, strange and a bit uncomfortable, but good. I feel like lessons that have been stewing, brewing, and cooking have been bubbling to the surface. I’ll continue to observe, take note, and practice patience.
I will leave my studio notes with 26 reasons to be grateful this year:
1. For a home to call mine, a doormat that’s dirty, and food in my fridge (is that 1 thing or 3?).
2. For a tribe of my choosing, one that lifts me up and allows me to do the same.
3. For my intuition, the divine compass that has brought me many gifts.
4. For spaghetti because well, I love it.
5. For my tenacity and bravery to try new things.
6. For growing my hair out to its natural color (my budget has benefitted from the bleach boycott).
7. For being the strongest and heaviest I’ve ever been.
8. For jiujitsu - truly a lifesaver and safe haven for me.
9. For nature - the sweet sounds of a river and the way trees dance in the wind.
10. For plant medicine that’s opened my mind and heart.
11. For family, both close and estranged. As they’ve survived wars internal and external just so I could write this.
12. For the potent love of friendship and feeling truly seen by another.
13. For detachment from romance, recognizing it’s a part of life, not the whole plot.
14. For having a lucky number, and 14 being it.
15. For paintings and canvases - a modality of expression that’s revealed much about myself to myself.
16. For coaching jujitsu and all the lessons that come from it.
17. For perspective, hard times that only increase my capacity for empathy.
18. For the goal of being more emotionally mature.
19. For journaling and writing - the blessing of articulating parts of the human experience.
20. For traveling, trips home and away from home like New York. Meeting new friends and versions of myself too.
21. For my weighted stuffed animal that lives on my bed, that keeps me grounded when I need it. Shoutout Dino!
22. For the belief that I can do more and change my life.
23. For healthy food and access to it. And the knowledge to choose it.
24. For learning how to ferment vegetables and eating more of those.
25. For stand-up comedy and its way of pulling a confidence out of me I didn’t know I had.
26. For the trip. The privilege to have another year, doing my best, and having fun along the way.
With a cluttered mind and no health insurance,
Sierra Koch
8-31-26