Studio Notes - The Week I Felt Weak
This week in the studio I’m feeling weak.
I’m laying the foundation of my Wuthering Heights complimentary piece, inspired by the character Heathcliff. The foundation is the most daunting part of the process because it demands action.
Most of my pieces have words written directly onto the canvas serving as a benchmark.
To signal to myself as I create:
“this is the energy I’m channeling, this is where I am right now.”
It felt nice to be back with my canvas, brushes, and gallons of paint. I missed them.
I wonder why I always go looking for something I can’t seem to find.
I return to old places, people, and things, seeking, searching. Thinking I’ll find some answer to a question I don’t even know yet.
To protect my sanity I categorize this as part of the ebb and flow of the human experience.
It’s okay to feel weak, too.
I have my first art market this upcoming weekend and I can feel the excitement mixed with anxiety bubbling up in me.
Logically I know that I create my own relationship with this experience. And I can choose to release the pressure valve at any point.
So why does it feel like it just keeps building?
I hold myself to unreasonably high standards. It has brought me here, far from where I’ve come. It’s also gotten me on the bathroom floor with my back pressed against the wall, sobbing, wondering why it’s never enough.
The duality of being an overachiever. Of caring a lot. Of being attached to your work. Placing your worth in accomplishments, rather than trusting your inherent value.
Value that has always existed in you all along.
I have worked hard to rewrite and untangle the belief that my worth is completely attached to my accomplishments. Although, I’d be lying if I said I was completely free of it. It still lingers. I dance with it from time to time and notice it comes out more under stress.
The ups and downs are normal. Even if it doesn’t always feel that way.
The truth is much more simple and a harder pill to swallow. Sometimes bad things happen. Most times it has nothing to do with you.
There’s a series of choices being made simultaneously that have reactions. Sometimes you find yourself at the intersection of these reactions and the fallout rubs off on you a bit. That doesn’t mean you earned it.
Life can be indifferent to you. Sometimes that stings us more.
As I head into the weekend I’m reminded that visibility is hard for me. I don’t like taking up space. I feel guilty for it.
So, this Friday, when I set up a tent, hang a banner that says, “SIERRA KOCH STUDIO”, I’m going toe to toe with that fear of visibility.
This week in the studio I’m feeling weak and that’s a part of the process too. I’m leaning into the full spectrum of emotions and thanking it, as it signals just how alive I really am.
With a lengthy to do list and emotional flexibility,
Sierra Koch
8-3-26